They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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