where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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