You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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