you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
