I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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