Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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