I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
