Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
