theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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