matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
