I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
