Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
