I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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