When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Two words: nipple clamps
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