Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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