saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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