So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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