i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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