Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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