i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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