I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize