It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
