Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
