theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
