she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
