i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm like, not good at living.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
