Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
