She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize