I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
