Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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