So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
