my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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