Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
