So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
