You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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