Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
