My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
