I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
