Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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