Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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