ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
