my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
