If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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