non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
