Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
