my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
