My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
