so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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