birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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