I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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