this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize