I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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