She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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