we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
