Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
