I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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